Complicated Joy

I have been considering that one of my goals for myself was to be more authentic in my writing. I am loving the Not Me Mondays and my thursday recipes. And both of these things are true to who I am. The "Not Me" format fits my sarcastic sense of humor quite well. And I love trying out new recipes and sharing when I find something easy that I like. But, the truth is, these things are just easier for me to write about than things that leave me feeling more vulnerable and exposed. I am going to try and remedy that today.

I find myself in one of the most difficult seasons of my life thus far. My marriage is hard. Our finances are strained. My brain is scattered. I am dissatisfied. Yet, simultaneously, I find myself in one of the most beautiful seasons of my life. My God is faithful. My children are amazing. My body, though tired, is healthy and strong. I am satisfied.

It seems that these two things could not co-exist. But, they do. And, I think this is true for many as I observe the lives of other moms around me. I think the fact is we live in difficult times. If you took a survey of a group of women I know, you would find many challenges: Children with chronic illnesses, special needs, a son taken to heaven, ill parents, difficult marriages, financial strains, work difficulties, strained family relationships, mental illness. At times, you can find any one of us looking tired and stressed- downright weary. But, each one laughs and loves and finds joy all around them.

As for me: sometimes, I have a real crab-fest. I find myself complaining much more than I like to admit. Some of my complaints are valid. Others are exaggerated by my pity party. But, each night when I look at my sleeping children I feel a check in my spirit. I am so blessed to be entrusted with these beautiful children. And I work really hard to raise them in such a way that pleases our Lord. (I don't always achieve it, but I work for it.) After a night of laughter with my husband, I am thankful that we made the covenant commitment to stick together even when it's difficult. For the past 12 months, when I am certain the money will run out, the Lord always provides a better way. And while my house feels out of control, I can keep in perspective that having a clean home is not going to make my family more complete. And that a clean house won't make a bit of difference eternally.

So, while I am not yet spiritually mature enough to say that I find joy in my suffering as Paul instructs, I feel as though I have reached a stage where I can find joy alongside my suffering.

I have complicated joy.
I am joyfully complicated.