Back, with tears.

"Momma, will you lay down with me?"
At nearly 11, I am always nervous that this will be the last time she asks.  Even so, I don't always say yes.  Tonight I did, though.  It's been an emotional day for her.

As I was lying there, noticing her long legs and spindly arms taking up much of the bed (she is quite an octopus in her sleep, and in her preparing to sleep), I was struck by how tiny she was a mere 10 and 1/2 years ago.  All those years ago, her sleep/wake schedule was the one I followed.   She and I did everything together.  We lived farther away from our church community, and were alone many of the days, as Chris worked nights and was often sleeping.  I couldn't hold back the tears. When I had that girl, I thought I was ill equipped about 1 week into the parenting gig.  Mercy is what kept our family together.  Mercy and naps.

Here's the thing.  11 is creeping up on us, and I am terrified.  There is more independence, more responsibility and more opportunities for longer lasting consequences coming our way.  I look at my girl and I question myself as a mom.  I am crippled with insecurity.  Because I know my shortcomings.  That list is long.  And ugly.  I don't like that the Lord will use this time to grow me along with growing her.  I want to be grown and complete- an expert so to speak.  He requires what's best though...Truth, and Grace, and Mercy, and Forgiveness. Patience, Faith, Unconditional Love - all of these are evidence of Him.  It's an adventure, wherever we are headed.




 

Get in the Picture

A few months back, Christine posted an article on facebook that talked about picture taking. It resonated with me. Basically the author talked about how sometimes, as women, we prefer to be the picture taker to avoid being in the shot. That we may see ourselves in a picture and decide we don't like what we see. We determine that we won't get in another picture unless we are wearing make up, dressed nicer, lose some weight, gain some weight, etc, etc. We look in the pictures and see all of our flaws. Our loved ones look at the picture and see people that they love. Over the past 5 years, I have lost some significant people in my life. Every time, I wish I had more pictures. Pictures with me and them, pictures documenting more moments of our life together. When a friend passed unexpectedly, about 4 pictures of us surfaced. In every one of those pictures I do not like the way I look. But, I am so thankful that I have them. So, I have decided that when opportunities arise to document a moment or memory with people that I love, I am going to take it. If something tragic were to happen to me, I want the people that I love to have a wealth of pictures and memories. I would want my children to have lots of photos of us together. So, for Christmas I got my parents photo sessions. Knowing that my mom feels a bit like I do about pictures, I explained my reasoning for this gift. We met one afternoon when the kids were a little tired and I hadn't had time to fix my hair the way I wanted and I couldn't find anything to wear. Koleson didn't want to wear any shoes and my girl was ready to pose. So we went in there and smiled and I am so happy we did! When I look at these pictures, I see grandparents who adore their grandchildren. I see parents who sacrifice for me and my children. I see people who have invested, with their time and their hearts.

 I am so glad we got in the pictures!

In what could be, the most random post yet...

So, those girls in the sidebars? That is not us. Well, it was us, but those pics are so outdated, that we don't even look like that any more. I thought it was time for an update. Unfortunately, I don't have a working camera, so I have to choose from a small amount of pics that have been downloaded on this computer. Here we are circa 2012: I would also like it to be noted that I have lost 17 pounds since then. In other news, it is valentines day. This is such a fun day to celebrate with kids. I find it to be the perfect excuse to do some fun things and eat some sweet treats with the little people that I love. Don't forget the trinkety crap, I mean toys, that we buy to celebrate the day. My kids love to find some gifts awaiting their arrival! I am so disappointed that Timmarie and her kids have prior plans on this day- dumb Thursdays! But don't worry, Timm, I will be sure to drop their crap, I mean fabulous gifts, at your house. The bff and her family have been staying with us while they await the purchase of their new home to go through. 7 people living in tight quarters may sound a little dicey, but everyone has adjusted swimmingly. In fact, the kids are loving this arrangement so much, I fear there may be a little devastation when they leave. Koli asks me everyday if they are going to be at our house. And then he cheers and says "They stay my house!" He has also started pushing back when the little guy gets in his biz. Which is actually preferred to the screaming like a girl that he was doing before. Alivia has loved having her big cousin here and the fact that he is a boy helps decrease the drama some. That's a nice change as well. I just love the relationship these kids have. And I am so grateful for this time we have together, even if it gets a little crazy at times. I might just be a candidate for communal living.

The absentee Blogger

The most recent and significant reason I have been absent on the blog is because I have started nursing school.  It is overwhelming and fun and hard and overwhelming.  It's been such an adjustment to shift some house duties to Chris.  It's also been challenging to not be picking up the kids every day.  Apparently, nursing school doesn't really care that I want to see my kids walk out of their schools.

I would show you a picture of me in my FANCY scrubs (sans jewelry) except I haven't even taken the time to get a picture.  I know I will want to remember this time once I recover from the PTSD of it all.  So hopefully soon.  In the meantime, I wanted to jot down some things about the nursing program.

- Block 1 is a potpurri of learning.  Nursing history, feedings and catheter care were all taught the same day. So weird.
- You have to be flexible.  I am glad I was warned about this.  Schedules, clinical sites and lab times all change from moment to moment.  You can't get your feathers ruffled.  Good thing I'm not a type A personality.
- When you decide to go to nursing school at 35, your perspective is different than a 22 year old.  And it should be.
- My study group has decided that Thursdays are going to be our "treat" day.  Which means we go to the cafeteria for lunch.  Yes, this is my new social low.
- I miss my family. I miss my friends.
- I am making new friends.  But friendship history and common interests are powerful things.  When I say,  "Assess the situation.  Gramps is dying." NONE of them knew what I was speaking of.  TERRIBLE. Just TERRIBLE.
- Hold me.

 

support

sup·port [suh-pawrt, -pohrt] verb (used with object) 1.to bear or hold up (a load, mass, structure, part, etc.); serve as a foundation for. 2.to sustain or withstand (weight, pressure, strain, etc.) without giving way; serve as a prop for. 3.to undergo or endure, especially with patience or submission; tolerate. 4.to sustain (a person, the mind, spirits, courage, etc.) under trial or affliction: They supported him throughout his ordeal. 5.to maintain (a person, family, establishment, institution, etc.) by supplying with things necessary to existence; provide for: to support a family.

I have an amazing support system. One that I never take for granted, even if I don't say it enough! I have tried to write about this so many times, but I am so overwhelmed by the support in my life that I don't have words that can adequately express it. I have had seasons in my life where my support system held me up. They took me to the Rock over and over again when it seemed my foundation might crumble. They stood in the gap and interceded when the floods threatened my existence. They have sustained and withstood much pressure on my behalf and that of my children. They have had to tolerate much. Much. There are some who have provided sustenance- food, shelter, encouragement and prayer covering. And I have had countless individuals that have come alongside me to help maintain me as a woman, a mom and a Christian. To say I am blessed with an amazing support system feels like a gross understatement. I could live a thousand years and never feel as though I could express my gratitude. To those of you who walk with me day to day and those of you that have touched my life only once, I say a deep, heartfelt thank you.

Everyone should have goals

I have spent some time going back and reading some of the posts from our old blog and it takes me back to some times in my life where memories get fuzzy sometimes. I am so glad I have some of those things chronicled there. Which then allows me to look at this neglected blog and realize that I would like to put some attention back to it. I want to have a chronicle of this time of my life. I think I stopped posting when life got too raw and I just couldn't be that vulnerable. My life has changed significantly and I would like to be able to journal about it again. I have made many goals for this year. Here are some: *I want to be thoughtful about the things in our life. I need to give thought to each purchase and decide if I really need/want to add another thing. I feel like there is just.too.much.stuff. *I want this to be the year that I create some lifelong health habits. *I want to have a plan for the money in my life. I do not want to just earn and spend anymore. Dave Ramsey- here I come! *And I want to blog more. About real things that are going on in my life. About the things that I think about and that are on my heart. And post more pictures. Happy Monday, friends.