"Momma, will you lay down with me?"
At nearly 11, I am always nervous that this will be the last time she asks. Even so, I don't always say yes. Tonight I did, though. It's been an emotional day for her.
As I was lying there, noticing her long legs and spindly arms taking up much of the bed (she is quite an octopus in her sleep, and in her preparing to sleep), I was struck by how tiny she was a mere 10 and 1/2 years ago. All those years ago, her sleep/wake schedule was the one I followed. She and I did everything together. We lived farther away from our church community, and were alone many of the days, as Chris worked nights and was often sleeping. I couldn't hold back the tears. When I had that girl, I thought I was ill equipped about 1 week into the parenting gig. Mercy is what kept our family together. Mercy and naps.
Here's the thing. 11 is creeping up on us, and I am terrified. There is more independence, more responsibility and more opportunities for longer lasting consequences coming our way. I look at my girl and I question myself as a mom. I am crippled with insecurity. Because I know my shortcomings. That list is long. And ugly. I don't like that the Lord will use this time to grow me along with growing her. I want to be grown and complete- an expert so to speak. He requires what's best though...Truth, and Grace, and Mercy, and Forgiveness. Patience, Faith, Unconditional Love - all of these are evidence of Him. It's an adventure, wherever we are headed.