Happy New Year???

At the beginning of this year, Jennifer posted here about her focus for the year. I sat on it for a while (or 9 months) and I finally feel like I have my focus. Granted, I probably cheated by looking back to help me determine, but nonetheless. This year for me is about trust - Trusting the process. Or rather, trusting the One who leads the process. Taking a step, not knowing where the next step is, or where it will lead me. Trusting that He who leads my steps, gives me the discernment to know which step to take right now. I have spent a lot of time doubting. Doubting that I can trust myself. Doubting that I can trust the part of me that says the Lord is leading me in something. I have doubted the way I have interpreted scripture and then doubted how to apply it to my life. Looking back over 2010, I feel as though I can say for the first time in a long time that I am trusting. Trusting the Lord to lead me and trusting in my ability to use the discernment He provides me with.
I certainly don't make all the right choices all the time, but it is time to give myself some credit. I do make some right decisions some of the time. And I am doing the best job I can. My heart motive is to make the best choices for my family, and even when I blow it, that doesn't mean that I can't ever trust my decision making again.

So my commitment for 2010 is to trust. To trust first, my God and second, my gut.

They don't call me Random Mom for nothin'

Things I am doing right now:
*composing this here blog post
*checking Facebook
*fulfilling repeated requests for "more grapes please, I love them. They are so yummy."

Things I should actually be doing:
*searching for jobs
*formulating a plan as to what items I could sell to make some cash until I find afore-mentioned job
*searching for some headache meds

Things I am listening to:
*Alivia mothering her snowman baby
*Koleson coughing like a seal
*and of course, Mickey Mouse Clubhouse...

Things I am wrestling with:
*living out this season of my life with honesty and grace
*that it's tough being a woman in a mean world
*getting some ice cream out of the carton that is stored in, what must be, the coldest freezer EVER

My heart

I find myself wondering on a daily basis, "How do I have such beautiful children?" And "How am I so blessed that I get to call them mine?"



While I have not taken for granted the time I get with my children, I have a new appreciation for the day to day things that I get to experience. The intricate parts of their personalities that I get to be privy to just because I spend so much time with them.

I am looking for a new job. One that will take me away from my children more, but will actually pay the ever-increasing bills. I know it is a necessity at this time of my life. I have a good child care plan. It's going to be ok.

But, I am heartbroken.

Oh Preschool, We Meet Again!

(Waiting for the school bus)

My girl was off to her first day of preschool this year. She was so very excited!. It took me an hour and a half to get her to sleep and she still woke me up before my alarm. Like most moms I know, it is difficult for me to send my baby off to spend hours each day with someone other than myself. It helps that this is her second year she has the same teacher as last year. She was very independent and big this morning.

(Alivia with the send-off committee)

My Beautiful First Born,

My hopes for you this year are:

*That you continue to love learning.
*That you continue to develop your independence.
*That you continue to accept all children as your friends.

Most of all, keep on loving Jesus. He will never steer you wrong.

I love you, Mommy.

Transitional

I just read this post over at Mama Sings and it really resonated with me. If you have some time, go check it out.

Thank you to all my labor partners! You have given me just the support I need each time the confusion and panic threatens to set in.

I find it incredible that the Lord allowed me to experience natural childnirth in the midst of my transitional life period.

Thanks for putting it into words, Amanda.

KinderEve

About 10 years ago, a dear friend of mine sent her youngest off to kindergarten. It was before I had any children, but I imagined that it would be so difficult when your baby started school, so I brought her flowers. Her youngest now starts high school tomorrow, and I am sending my baby to kindergarten.

And I would like to state for the record that everything I thought my friend may be feeling, I should have multiplied by 1,000x.

Brody,

I wish I could convey to you how much you mean to me, but there simply isn't a word to describe how much I love you. You are my heart, son.

There is a song that Ms. A played in your end of year slideshows. It has become my song for you.




Dream Big, B.

Love

Mommy

Esther

I started a new bible study last night. We are doing Esther: It's Tough Being a Woman by Beth Moore. I have been wanting to do this study ever since Beth announced that she was writing it. I even thought about doing it through a different church since our church wasn't planning on doing it last year. But, life happens. And I didn't get around to it.

Last night as I sat and listened to the introductory video I marveled at God's timing. You see, had I been listening to her words last year, I am confident I would have been unable to complete this bible study. I would have been sitting on that couch in a puddle. I think I would have melted under the pressure of what I was hearing. Now, do not misunderstand- Beth in no way pressures her participants. It was all me. It is just a picture of where I was emotionally.

And as I have had some time to reflect on God's grace, it has become clear to me that last year was the wrong time to do this study. No matter how good the material, the timing would have made it all wrong for me. Last year I was in a very fragile place. And I didn't really know why. The Spirit was speaking to my soul that some very dangerous things were present. But, I didn't understand it. Nor did I even know that's what was being spoken. I just felt a discontent. I felt insecure and unsure of just about everything. I felt like I was teetering on a ledge while blindfolded. Needless to say, I knew it was time for change. If I only knew what needed to change...

Over the past year, the Lord has been revealing to me, little by little. He has been so gentle and loving in His peeling back. He knows me better than I know myself and He knows the best way and the best time to bring things into focus. I haven't broken. I haven't melted into that afore-mentioned puddle. With each revelation, I gain peace and strength.

I am so excited to see what Esther will teach me over the next 10 weeks. But, more than anything, I am so incredibly grateful to belong to a God who will pursue me exactly as I need to be pursued. A God who loves me so much that He will not allow me to live a life less than He created me to be.