About That...

Unforgiveness is no fun. Especially when you feel justified in it. I had mentioned that I needed to work on forgiveness, that unfortunately I have been a grudge holder over the past several months. My problem with forgiveness was that I felt extremely validated in holding on. You see, someone had kicked my son out of a class at a church event. And they did it in a very...umm...icy cold way. This wasn't at our church and these people didn't know me, didn't know whether or not I was even a Christian. Let me just say, hell hath no fury like a woman whose special needs child has been uninvited to church.

I wanted to take them out. With my mama bear fist. I wanted them to apologized, make it right. I DESERVED that much. They were hurtful towards my child, a child that our Lord created with amazing abilities and some deficits. Just like other children. I have encountered many a judgemental stare, but never had I prepared myself to have it be from the body of Christ.

I dug my heels in. Anger took up residence. And then I went to church camp as a camp counselor and encountered these same people. They were teaching spiritual applications and leading children and teens. Let's just say Camp '09 had me in tears a good portion of time and angry most of the other time. It all seemed so unfair and wrong. And I dealt with it with unforgiveness, and in turn, leading some teens with my heart very bitter - which is not a way to lead at all. It's hard to be a good example when you are so absorbed in your anger and sorrow.

The short version is that some other situations appeared to confirm to me that Brody wasn't welcome in many Christian settings. In all honesty, I wanted to flip the bird at the Church Body and just love Jesus on my own, sheltering those I love from the mean Christians. And in a way (more of a passive aggressive way) I did. I decided I wouldn't return to camp (and changed the subject when students ask about it), I wouldn't dare step foot in another church that wasn't ours, and I would guard my heart from being so vulnerable with my children.

9 months is a long time to live with unforgiveness. It creeps into every area of life. The Lord let me have my pity party, but He has insisted that I not stay there. God's mercy in my dealing with this has been the only thing that has gotten me through this process. Because how many have I inadvertently offended? Does God love each individual in the body of Christ, imperfections and all? Could I have (calmly) dialogued the issue out - in love and with the motivation of grace?

Standing before the cross is an equalizer - all have sinned and fallen short. And while I knew that before, I apparently excused myself from that, somehow holding others to a different standard than myself. The Lord has graciously lead my heart to forgiveness, and my hope is that I choose the road quickly the next time my heart is tested.

"Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity." Colassians 3:12-14