Your love is...

This is quickly becoming my go-to worship song. I sing it to Alivia as she goes to sleep at night. The Lord has been showing up in a big way in my life lately. I have been seeing His fingerprints all over my life and the lives of those around me. His ways are bigger than our ways. And I can't ever out run His faithfulness.


"Your love is deep.
Your love is high.
Your love is long.
Your love is wide.

Your love is deeper than my view of grace.
Higher than this worldly place.
Longer than this road I travel.
Wider than the gap you fill."

I don't know about you, but I sometimes have a limited view of His grace. I lose sight that this world is not our destination. I doubt that this road marked with suffering will ever end. And I am left with gaps all over my life.

Thank you God for your neverending love.

I'll take one slice of that humble pie, please.

It had been one of those days. You know, when everything gets on your last nerve. I felt bad because Alivia was having a great day. She was well rested and chatty. And, did I mention, chatty?? We are in one of those stages in which I feel the only time she isn't talking is while she sleeps. My noise-o-meter had reached maximum capacity. It was one of those days where if she wasn't talking she was singing and if she wasn't talking or singing she was banging with her tools. I was working really hard on the inside to not let my feelings of frustrations be on the outside. But, in all honesty, I was screaming, "SHUT UP!!" in my head. I was chastising myself for my frustration when I stopped short. I tuned into Alivia's latest song that she was belting out. " I love my mom. I love my mom. Praise the Lord, Praise the Lord."

This convicting word brought to me by Alivia.

It brought a smile to my face.
Thanks for the attitude check, Lord.

About That...

Unforgiveness is no fun. Especially when you feel justified in it. I had mentioned that I needed to work on forgiveness, that unfortunately I have been a grudge holder over the past several months. My problem with forgiveness was that I felt extremely validated in holding on. You see, someone had kicked my son out of a class at a church event. And they did it in a very...umm...icy cold way. This wasn't at our church and these people didn't know me, didn't know whether or not I was even a Christian. Let me just say, hell hath no fury like a woman whose special needs child has been uninvited to church.

I wanted to take them out. With my mama bear fist. I wanted them to apologized, make it right. I DESERVED that much. They were hurtful towards my child, a child that our Lord created with amazing abilities and some deficits. Just like other children. I have encountered many a judgemental stare, but never had I prepared myself to have it be from the body of Christ.

I dug my heels in. Anger took up residence. And then I went to church camp as a camp counselor and encountered these same people. They were teaching spiritual applications and leading children and teens. Let's just say Camp '09 had me in tears a good portion of time and angry most of the other time. It all seemed so unfair and wrong. And I dealt with it with unforgiveness, and in turn, leading some teens with my heart very bitter - which is not a way to lead at all. It's hard to be a good example when you are so absorbed in your anger and sorrow.

The short version is that some other situations appeared to confirm to me that Brody wasn't welcome in many Christian settings. In all honesty, I wanted to flip the bird at the Church Body and just love Jesus on my own, sheltering those I love from the mean Christians. And in a way (more of a passive aggressive way) I did. I decided I wouldn't return to camp (and changed the subject when students ask about it), I wouldn't dare step foot in another church that wasn't ours, and I would guard my heart from being so vulnerable with my children.

9 months is a long time to live with unforgiveness. It creeps into every area of life. The Lord let me have my pity party, but He has insisted that I not stay there. God's mercy in my dealing with this has been the only thing that has gotten me through this process. Because how many have I inadvertently offended? Does God love each individual in the body of Christ, imperfections and all? Could I have (calmly) dialogued the issue out - in love and with the motivation of grace?

Standing before the cross is an equalizer - all have sinned and fallen short. And while I knew that before, I apparently excused myself from that, somehow holding others to a different standard than myself. The Lord has graciously lead my heart to forgiveness, and my hope is that I choose the road quickly the next time my heart is tested.

"Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity." Colassians 3:12-14

What your roller derby name says about you...

Timmarie was there with us, but I cut her head off in the shot. Sorry about that...Just picture her next to Brandy with her cute faux hawk and flower in her hair.

So last night some friends introduced me to the roller derby in our local city. I will be honest, I wasn't sure if I would get into it. And, in all fairness, at first I didn't. It was a double header. The premiere of men's roller derby competition in our state. Let's just say that I hope with more practice the men can begin working together and not calling off the jam every 32 seconds. I felt like I was just figuring out what each person was supposed to be doing and they stopped. But, once the women came out I really started to understand what was going on. I am not putting the men down here. I hope with more practice they can get into a groove. But, by last night they certainly hadn't.

It was really fun to watch a sport in which women of all shapes and sizes and personality styles were able to find a spot in which they were successful. They work together as a group and make way for the jammer to push through scoring as many points as she can. I really enjoyed the strategy of it. If I could only stay upright on skates while I skate fast and bump and pull on others, I would totally sign up. I wouldn't mind throwing a few shoulders out there...

What would my roller derby name be?

So Long Insecurity.

Sarah is giving away a book that I have really been wanting to read. You don't have to go over there and enter, because that will lessen my chances of winning...

I am just kidding! Head on over and enter to win. But, if you do win, please let me read it when you are done :)

I think as women we can all say goodbye to some insecurities. And I know that this has been an underlying theme throughout my life. I am ready to hear a Word about it.

Good luck everyone!

Random - Sure

• It's almost Spring Break. Which has all of my Biology lab partners talking about their travel plans. Which in turn makes me think about how disappointed they will be when they can't take a week off in spring all the time. Which makes me think of my husband, who doesn't get a spring break.
• I am absolutely, completely, utterly thankful for our long winter here. I have declared it the BEST WINTER EVER. Long live The Winter of 09-10. Feel free to stick around for forever.
• Chris and I both cried at the series premiere of Parenthood. YES, there was quite questionable material on the show. And yes, we expected a serious amount of laughter and found it to be lacking. But we are now committed for at least one more week to the character with Aspergers.
• "Twin Day" for spirit week is code for "Things that make moms go over the edge and never return."
• I got a haircut. And color. And I love it.
• I have tests and meetings and therapies for Brody this week. So here I sit, blogging.
• Babies. I love them.

33 is the place to Be!

It's my birthday. And in honor of my birthday, I have a sinus issue going on and 4 1/2 hours of Biology today. Who said mid-30's wasn't glamorous? And if you are going to recommend a Neti Pot, save yourself the trouble. Dareth and I are vehemently opposed to Neti pots. I realize that is a strong stance to take, but we take political matters VERY seriously around here.

So, in all honesty, 32 wasn't a banner year for me. Unforgiveness was an underlying theme. I really had always viewed myself as a forgiving person. God used 32 to reveal that I have an excessively long way to go in that area. It is one area that I am extremely disappointed in myself.

On a good note, 32 brought me back to school. I have been wanting to get my RN for a while. And now I am chipping away at it. I am currently COMPLETELY nerding it up in Biology. I absolutely love the sciences. Each class lecture reminds me of how detailed God created us and it just blows me away.

I have high hopes for 33. And big decisions to be made. I've decided to work on some specific qualities that I have seen in other people that I want more of in my life.

I want to love God's Word with a passion, like my friend H. She brings great encouragement through His word. She commits it to memory. She applies it in her everyday life. I love seeing that. And I want it.

I want to love my children like Amy Beth loves the girls she has. She may have not birthed them, but she sure loves them as if she had. She is intentional about making the ordinary day extraordinary. It convicts me every.single.time. I also want to return to the written letter. Who doesn't love mail that isn't a bill? And why can't I take a few minutes each week to love on the people I love.

I want to love out of my covenant with the Lord. Marriage is a choice you make everyday. Each day has the opportunity to love the best way you can, beyond what you think you are capable of. I have been married over 10 years, and I am convinced there will always be ways for me to love Chris better. I have a great example in D and K. They are covenant women - dare I say a rarity in this day and time.

I also would really like to make a decision on are vacation. The schizophrenia is about to take over every last brain cell.

Hey, hey. It's your birthday.

In honor of her birthday, I give you:
The Top 7 (you guessed it) Random Things About Timmarie.

1. She has vacation schizophrenia. She is definitely going to a beachy, non-beachy or rainy location for her anniversary get-away and it will definitely be in March, May, October or possibly December.

2. She and her family celebrate each birthday by having cake for breakfast. Yum.

3. She and I bonded over a deep love for a reality tv show called Starting Over.
And since this is a random post, might I add, that I could really use some Rhonda and Ayanla in my life right now...

4. We also enjoy season finale parties for our favorite shows. Tomorrow night, anyone??

5. She celebrates each quality her children exhibit and helps them grow into the fabulous little people that they are and will become.

6. She is fiercely loyal. She loves deeply and gives freely.

7. We have been accused of being humor twins. Sometimes when she and I are busting a gut, others look at us in wonder. This, of course, just makes us laugh harder.

8. She googles roller derby names.

Timmarie, Happy Birthday. I am so very grateful that I have been allowed to come alongside and travel this journey of life and motherhood with you. You have modeled for me many lessons that I am oh-so-thankful for. One that comes to mind is how to raise a Jesus-loving little girl. Thanks for always having my back and most definitely for the prayer covering. And, thanks that your home is a safe place for my kids to be just who they are (well, sorry about some of that:) We love you.