Love and other things...

I was having a conversation with my girl the other night and she was sharing some things she had been pondering. I love these talks, because I really get a look into the deep waters that are her heart. Six year olds are deep. She was asking me about heaven and "down there" (aka hell). She wanted to know if everyone goes to heaven. I explained that if you have asked Jesus into your heart, you will go to heaven when you die. She went on to talk about some of the people we know who have already gone on to heaven. Then she asked me "If you have asked Jesus into your heart, but you do bad things, will you still get to go to heaven?" This allowed us to talk about salvation and forgiveness, etc. Then she said something that I can't seem to get out of my mind. She said, "What if Jesus forgets that I asked him into my heart?"It was such an opportunity to talk about the character of God and how it is unlike the character of man.

Alivia, I am honored that our God entrusts me to teach you about Him. I hope you will always ask the hard questions and that you never stop searching for answers, because our God is faithful to lead us. Please do not confuse the unconditional love that is God with the conditional love of humans. I try to surround you and your brother with people who try to model His love, but I know sometimes we fail. I pray that you will discern the difference. I love you with everything in me and I am so very proud of you.

Love, Mommy

On a very unrelated note, while I was typing this, Koleson began coughing while he ate popcorn. He couldn't seem to stop so I asked him to spit out what was in his mouth. I was left holding a blob of what I can only guess to be: 3 sticks of chewing gum, a handful of popcorn and 2 gum wrappers.

Two year olds?? Not deep.

Things I love...

I have spent the afternoon a bit irritated. So, I thought a list of things I am enjoying right now would help me re-focus my mind.

This being said, my God and my kids are obvious list-toppers.

*quotes from The Big Bang Theory.

*frozen yogurt from a specific serve yo*self shop.

*laughing with friends

*hopes for a vacation

*free nook books

Yep, I feel a little better.

Philippians 4:8 "Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things."

7 it is

7 Things I love about you, Brody:

1. When you love something, you talk about it. You showed your grandparents and auntie approximately 37 ocean animals over skype today.

2. Your endless amounts of energy. I am determined to bottle it up and sell it on the black market.

3. You have fought hard to mature. You have been a good example in class at school, and you fight to exercise self control. Some moments you win, some you lose. But you are willing to face the opportunity to make a different choice.

4. Your smile and your laugh. The joy is CONTAGIOUS, my son.

5. That you call Koleson, Baby Koleson. Dareth and I hope you will do this into his teen years.

6. How you can be socially awkward at times. I'm not sure that it is your autism that's showing as much as your genetic code from your mama.

7. I love how you have wrestled with the Lord these past couple of months. You haven't been afraid to ask hard faith questions in regards to Grandma K, you have been honest with the fear you have had, and you have talked it out with your God. It has been difficult as your mom to watch you ask the tough stuff, knowing the Lord responded with a no to some of your questions. But it has been so beautiful at the same time. You are growing in your faith, and that takes my breath away.

I am so very grateful to be your mom. And in what I am bracing myself to be a more difficult year of growth for you, I am praying you will continue to chase God with the questions of your heart.

You are pure joy. With a side of crazy and no appreciation for sarcasm. The perfect blend for our family. I love you!

Miss B

I have known Miss B since she was in first grade or so. Maybe second grade. All I know is that she is 18 now, so I've know her a long time. I had her in the first kid's church class I taught. I prayed with her as she came up through the youth group. I've cheered her on as she traveled to Africa on her first missions trip. And I have served youth alongside her. And I've watched her serve my son as a habilitation worker.

I've watched and prayed as this young girl transformed into a beautiful woman. I've watched her suffer through some personal stuff, only to see her accept it's purpose in relating to the people of Africa. I've watched her give to friendships that have cost her heart. I've witness someone who is willing to wrestle anything and everything out with the God of the universe and come out with authenticity, peace, and more passion for her Savior.

Miss B isn't cut from the same cloth as most 18 year olds of her time. She embraces the awkward, isn't concerned about her image, and just loves, well, EVERYONE. B proves that young people can turn this world around! She makes me want to be a better servant of Christ, a better mom, and a better friend. I want to be like her when I grow up!

Miss B is beginning a new journey this week: a journey that takes her away from her physical location. She is about to have a grand adventure as she follows after the Lord. To say that I am proud of her is a gross understatement. She is loving and serving and following all while feeling the riskiness of it all, and she is going anyway.

Miss B is a treasure to our family. She has gifted us with her love, her patience, and her kindness. She has loved Brody sweetly and hysterically and has been such a phenomenal example to our daughter. And she has been a good friend to me. We have had such rich conversations that I will treasure throughout this life.

Miss B, your life is a testimony of the beauty of God. As you embark on this next chapter, know that you are bring covered in prayer and thought of each day. Thank you for always being you - your authenticity is a gift to those who know you and those who you will meet. I look forward to some skype lunch dates and just hearing about all God is teaching you. You are such an example to your nieces and nephews - what is more important for them to know than to follow the Lord whole heartedly? You amaze me, my friend. And I am certain Gma is bragging to the crowd of witnesses she is a part of, telling Abraham, Moses, and Rahab that "that's my grandaughter!" You remind me of her so much, just like your mama does. What a legacy!

a time to embrace

It was just over 2 years ago that I separated from my husband. It was almost another year before I realized that our marriage was broken in a way that it would not be fixed. Since then, I have stumbled and tripped and baby stepped my way back into the work force. I accepted my new title as single mother and vowed to find a good balance of work, budget and quality time with my kids. I haven't done it successfully. But, I've done it in the only way I have been able to. I was completely unprepared for the emotional toll it would take on my heart to go back to work and leave my children in the care of others.

Thankfully, the Lord is patient and kind toward me. He has allowed me to take baby steps. Sometimes forward, sometimes backward, but continuously moving. I took a step today to move back into a career. It is time to stop doing jobs and re-establish my career. This will open up doors and opportunities to allow me to seek more stable employment. I hope to be able to secure a position with benefits for my family. Hopefully I can attain a position that my schedule can be more suited to Alivia's. I sat in the parking lot this morning wondering, why have I waited so long to pursue this? (I know some of you have been asking yourself the same question.)

The answer is complicated, as all matters of the heart are. But, the simplified version is this: In taking these new steps, I must let go of a dream, a dream I didn't realize I was still clinging to. I must release the dream of my past so my hands are free to reach toward a new dream.

The Lord was so gracious to show me this morning that it is time. It is time to embrace this new life that I live. The life of a single working mother. It is time for me to stop living in transition.

I am a single working mother. I am a divorced woman with 2 beautiful children to raise. I am financially responsible to support our family. I am responsible and accountable for the spiritual teaching of my children and their character development. (Do not misunderstand, I think their father has responsibilities to them as well. But, as the sole leader of our individual homes, I believe we bear these responsibilities fully, as individuals.)

Even as I type that, even as I have been living it, the words seem foreign. Foreign in ways that I can not seem to put into words. I keep thinking back to a poem, Welcome to Holland. (This poem is written about the journey of parenting a child with special needs. But, it expresses my feelings so well.)

I do not pity my new role. I have a happy and healthy family. My life is blessed and full of love. But, the truth is, it is just not the way I expected it to look. I thought it would look like Italy. It, in fact, looks like Holland. Holland is beautiful.

#12

12 years ago, we were just kids. We thought we were grown up, very mature and could conquer anything. Chris couldn't even manage to remember our marriage license, and I couldn't manage to realize that it's better to style dirty hair.

The days leading up to our wedding were hard. My grandpa had a massive heart attack while working graveyard at the post office. My dad quickly left and headed up to the Northwest to be with him. We questioned whether to postpone the wedding. We decided to go ahead, Grandpa would want us to. Looking back, that decision was probably more rooted in selfish desires than out of thought that that was what my Grandpa would want.

Tension between my mom and I was at an all time high. While she loved Chris, I'm sure this wedding was a harsh reminder that her daughter chose what seemed to be a different faith. She insisted on decorating and creating and I was too terrified to speak what I wanted. I don't think I even knew what I wanted - except to marry Chris.

But at 10:30 on December 4th, I looked down the aisle, my dad speaking softly to me after flying the redeye in to make it. I saw my Christopher, our friends and family around us, and I breathed deeply. I stood face to face with Chris, and we made a covenant with our God.

In 12 years, we have loved one another, we have hurt one another. We have made good decisions and poor decisions. We have laughed, and we have cried. We have worshiped alongside one another, and we have wrestled with God both individually and as a family. Even today, I am wrestling. In 12 years, we each have been unworthy of the covenant we have with our God. And in 12 years, our God has been Faithful. He has covered our lack, He has graced our failures, and He has loved us deeply and blessed us richly.

And I will cherish this covenant for as many years as the Lord allows it to stand.

Happy Anniversary to you, Christopher.

Memories in the making

We took the freak show to get their pictures taken this morning. Basically, we three moms went in hoping for one shot with all 6 kids in it.
Mission Accomplished :)

Here were some of the other highlights:

*Koleson cried and didn't want to get in any of the pictures. It took bribes of candy to even get him to sit near the others.

*Hudson dropped his pajama jeans while Addy tried to get him to smils.

*Alivia criss crossed her scarf and tied it around her back.

*Brody was temporarily unaccounted for.

Obviously, it was a great day with lots of memories made. I can't wait to get the pictures back!

Merry Christmas, from the Freak Show.