Get in the Picture

A few months back, Christine posted an article on facebook that talked about picture taking. It resonated with me. Basically the author talked about how sometimes, as women, we prefer to be the picture taker to avoid being in the shot. That we may see ourselves in a picture and decide we don't like what we see. We determine that we won't get in another picture unless we are wearing make up, dressed nicer, lose some weight, gain some weight, etc, etc. We look in the pictures and see all of our flaws. Our loved ones look at the picture and see people that they love. Over the past 5 years, I have lost some significant people in my life. Every time, I wish I had more pictures. Pictures with me and them, pictures documenting more moments of our life together. When a friend passed unexpectedly, about 4 pictures of us surfaced. In every one of those pictures I do not like the way I look. But, I am so thankful that I have them. So, I have decided that when opportunities arise to document a moment or memory with people that I love, I am going to take it. If something tragic were to happen to me, I want the people that I love to have a wealth of pictures and memories. I would want my children to have lots of photos of us together. So, for Christmas I got my parents photo sessions. Knowing that my mom feels a bit like I do about pictures, I explained my reasoning for this gift. We met one afternoon when the kids were a little tired and I hadn't had time to fix my hair the way I wanted and I couldn't find anything to wear. Koleson didn't want to wear any shoes and my girl was ready to pose. So we went in there and smiled and I am so happy we did! When I look at these pictures, I see grandparents who adore their grandchildren. I see parents who sacrifice for me and my children. I see people who have invested, with their time and their hearts.

 I am so glad we got in the pictures!

The seasons are a changing

I hear rumor of this from other parts of the country.  Now, I can't deny that we are seeing signs of Fall as well.  It is just not what you expect to hear when you think "Fall".  Other parts of the country are talking about long sleeves and hot chocolate and colored leaves.  Here on the surface of the sun, we are looking at temps dropping into the 70's overnight and daytime temps dipping just below 100.  I don't want to sound ungrateful, but I am a little jealous.
It seems that as the literal season changes from summer to fall, life has taken on some changes of it's own.  As the summer crops are harvested and begin to die, I sense the same thing happening in life.  Our little family of three has settled into a solid routine over the spring and summer.  Solid routine was a nice change from the constant change of the previous years.  We relished it.  The kids are thriving.  They feel secure and happy and I see fruits of that throughout their lives.  So good for this mama's heart.  I was becoming comfortable.  I feel the undercurrent- change is a'comin.  There has been a new development that has effected the kid's weekly schedule.  Now, this certainly isn't the first time that a grown up in their life has made a similar decision that has impacted them.  But, for some reason, this feels bigger.  I sense the Lord preparing all of us for something different.  Maybe as the literal seasons change, we are about to experience a figurative change of seasons as well.  Some of the summer and fall is begin harvested and some of it has to die.  It has to die to allow new growth in the coming spring.  Please pray for my family as we face what could be a potential winter season.

Now, I don't want to project that things are terrible in these parts.  They really are not.  Life is happy and secure.  Through these changes, I have been able to witness fruits of maturity in my children.  They exhibit a sense of security that hasn't been shaken by every change like it was in the past.  They have a new found confidence in themselves, in the people in their lives, and more importantly, Alivia has found confidence in her God.  I am really proud of them.

a catch all of sorts

Koleson:

...just qualified for preschool which is making his mom happy and nostalgic all at once.

...is playing soccertots. Which is an adorable mix of little people running and kicking and shouting "GOAL". Love.

...is beginning to speak in full sentences, which also makes his mom happy and nostalgic all at once.

Alivia:

...is loving the new found freedom found in the ability to read and write. I love this phase!

...just began a dance class which she is in love with. She seems to have the touch for tap, but girlfriend got her dad's flexibility, so ballet is NOT her dance.

...has begun memorizing scripture and reading it from her bible. This makes my heart incredibly happy for her.

Dareth:

...I have a new job that I love. Playing with babies and getting paid for it?? :)

...I am thankful that the Lord allows me to be really honest and raw in our relationship.

Happy Monday, Friends!

(dis)organized

I am feeling so disorganized at the moment. I know, more than anything, this is actually a reflection of some emotional stuff more than anything. Not that I am not actually disorganized, (those of you who know me in real life can testify) but I'm not sure that I'm not just my regular amount of disorganized, and the emotional chaos on the inside is manifesting on the outside. And then my emotional chaos begins to manifest by desiring control, but then I am so distracted by some stuff, that then I do things like miss appointments, etc...

Anywhoo... I need to set some goals.

*Get the kids room/playroom under control.

*Get the laundry put away- all of it!

*Begin writing my personal/kids appointments on my work calendar so I do not get a call saying "where are you? You were supposed to be here 15 min ago...(Yeah that happened...at my new job...embarrassing.)

*Get internet at my house so I can stop trying to do work stuff at library, Brandy's and Timmarie's which means I might actually have all the stuff I need in 1 place to complete any given task.

*Figure out a plan to pay for monthly internet service at our house with the extra .02 it seems like I have at the end of each month.

Everybody needs goals, right??

Love and other things...

I was having a conversation with my girl the other night and she was sharing some things she had been pondering. I love these talks, because I really get a look into the deep waters that are her heart. Six year olds are deep. She was asking me about heaven and "down there" (aka hell). She wanted to know if everyone goes to heaven. I explained that if you have asked Jesus into your heart, you will go to heaven when you die. She went on to talk about some of the people we know who have already gone on to heaven. Then she asked me "If you have asked Jesus into your heart, but you do bad things, will you still get to go to heaven?" This allowed us to talk about salvation and forgiveness, etc. Then she said something that I can't seem to get out of my mind. She said, "What if Jesus forgets that I asked him into my heart?"It was such an opportunity to talk about the character of God and how it is unlike the character of man.

Alivia, I am honored that our God entrusts me to teach you about Him. I hope you will always ask the hard questions and that you never stop searching for answers, because our God is faithful to lead us. Please do not confuse the unconditional love that is God with the conditional love of humans. I try to surround you and your brother with people who try to model His love, but I know sometimes we fail. I pray that you will discern the difference. I love you with everything in me and I am so very proud of you.

Love, Mommy

On a very unrelated note, while I was typing this, Koleson began coughing while he ate popcorn. He couldn't seem to stop so I asked him to spit out what was in his mouth. I was left holding a blob of what I can only guess to be: 3 sticks of chewing gum, a handful of popcorn and 2 gum wrappers.

Two year olds?? Not deep.

Miss B

I have known Miss B since she was in first grade or so. Maybe second grade. All I know is that she is 18 now, so I've know her a long time. I had her in the first kid's church class I taught. I prayed with her as she came up through the youth group. I've cheered her on as she traveled to Africa on her first missions trip. And I have served youth alongside her. And I've watched her serve my son as a habilitation worker.

I've watched and prayed as this young girl transformed into a beautiful woman. I've watched her suffer through some personal stuff, only to see her accept it's purpose in relating to the people of Africa. I've watched her give to friendships that have cost her heart. I've witness someone who is willing to wrestle anything and everything out with the God of the universe and come out with authenticity, peace, and more passion for her Savior.

Miss B isn't cut from the same cloth as most 18 year olds of her time. She embraces the awkward, isn't concerned about her image, and just loves, well, EVERYONE. B proves that young people can turn this world around! She makes me want to be a better servant of Christ, a better mom, and a better friend. I want to be like her when I grow up!

Miss B is beginning a new journey this week: a journey that takes her away from her physical location. She is about to have a grand adventure as she follows after the Lord. To say that I am proud of her is a gross understatement. She is loving and serving and following all while feeling the riskiness of it all, and she is going anyway.

Miss B is a treasure to our family. She has gifted us with her love, her patience, and her kindness. She has loved Brody sweetly and hysterically and has been such a phenomenal example to our daughter. And she has been a good friend to me. We have had such rich conversations that I will treasure throughout this life.

Miss B, your life is a testimony of the beauty of God. As you embark on this next chapter, know that you are bring covered in prayer and thought of each day. Thank you for always being you - your authenticity is a gift to those who know you and those who you will meet. I look forward to some skype lunch dates and just hearing about all God is teaching you. You are such an example to your nieces and nephews - what is more important for them to know than to follow the Lord whole heartedly? You amaze me, my friend. And I am certain Gma is bragging to the crowd of witnesses she is a part of, telling Abraham, Moses, and Rahab that "that's my grandaughter!" You remind me of her so much, just like your mama does. What a legacy!

a time to embrace

It was just over 2 years ago that I separated from my husband. It was almost another year before I realized that our marriage was broken in a way that it would not be fixed. Since then, I have stumbled and tripped and baby stepped my way back into the work force. I accepted my new title as single mother and vowed to find a good balance of work, budget and quality time with my kids. I haven't done it successfully. But, I've done it in the only way I have been able to. I was completely unprepared for the emotional toll it would take on my heart to go back to work and leave my children in the care of others.

Thankfully, the Lord is patient and kind toward me. He has allowed me to take baby steps. Sometimes forward, sometimes backward, but continuously moving. I took a step today to move back into a career. It is time to stop doing jobs and re-establish my career. This will open up doors and opportunities to allow me to seek more stable employment. I hope to be able to secure a position with benefits for my family. Hopefully I can attain a position that my schedule can be more suited to Alivia's. I sat in the parking lot this morning wondering, why have I waited so long to pursue this? (I know some of you have been asking yourself the same question.)

The answer is complicated, as all matters of the heart are. But, the simplified version is this: In taking these new steps, I must let go of a dream, a dream I didn't realize I was still clinging to. I must release the dream of my past so my hands are free to reach toward a new dream.

The Lord was so gracious to show me this morning that it is time. It is time to embrace this new life that I live. The life of a single working mother. It is time for me to stop living in transition.

I am a single working mother. I am a divorced woman with 2 beautiful children to raise. I am financially responsible to support our family. I am responsible and accountable for the spiritual teaching of my children and their character development. (Do not misunderstand, I think their father has responsibilities to them as well. But, as the sole leader of our individual homes, I believe we bear these responsibilities fully, as individuals.)

Even as I type that, even as I have been living it, the words seem foreign. Foreign in ways that I can not seem to put into words. I keep thinking back to a poem, Welcome to Holland. (This poem is written about the journey of parenting a child with special needs. But, it expresses my feelings so well.)

I do not pity my new role. I have a happy and healthy family. My life is blessed and full of love. But, the truth is, it is just not the way I expected it to look. I thought it would look like Italy. It, in fact, looks like Holland. Holland is beautiful.

In an Instant

Last week, the kids and I were so blessed to have the opportunity to go on a Disney Cruise with my mom. We had 8 days onboard to play and hang out with characters and most importantly, just be together. It was a fabulous time for my little family and so many precious memories were made. In preparation for this trip, I worked the month of October away. This left all three of us in tears, at one point or another, over the feeling that we had so little time together. (I could write a bunch of posts on how AMAZING Timmarie was during this time. But save that for another day.)
We spent each day leisurely deciding how we would plan our day: meeting characters, getting autographs, eating ice cream, swimming, playing in the kids center, watching live shows or movies, and napping. Don't want to forget the napping :)The rest and relaxation were so good for all of us.

I received message from Brandy on Saturday that I needed to call her. I tried to keep the panic at bay as I figured out the best way to get ahold of her. In the minutes it took me to get through to her, I had run through a list of possibilities in my mind. Internal panic! She went on to tell me that a good friend, a beautiful mother, grandmother and great-grandmother, spiritual mother and grandmother of our church, and just all-out fabulous Christ-loving woman had left this earth. Such a shock! I can't even begin to tell you what Kaye meant to me and to countless others.

I went back to the room and hugged my babies a little tighter for the next 2 days. My emotions vacillated between wanting to get home right.this.very.second and wanting to stay on that ship and pretend it was all a bad dream. But most of all, since then, I have just wanted to surround myself with the people I love and make sure that they know how very special they are to me. Life can change in an instant. And I don't want to miss any more of it's opportunities.

friendship

I recently read MaryBeth Chapman"s book "Choosing to SEE". There is one scene she describes that I have reflected back on a few times now. She talks about the day that her daughter passed away. They left the hospital and headed to their church to be surrounded by their church family who had gathered to pray. She is met by a small group of friends who take her into the bathroom and proceed to help her our of her clothes that are stained in her daughter's blood. Her friends, were able to recognize her need in a time when she was completely unaware of what her needs might be. One friend gave her a shirt, one a bra, and one pants. She returned to her family. Those 3 friends sat in the bathroom in their literal nakedness while they waited for someone to bring them some clothes in exchange. And, for a moment, they helped clothe their friend in her most figuratively naked moment.

I sobbed as I read this passage. SOBBED. And I praised the Lord that I get to be a part of a group of women who will stand naked in a bathroom for me. Every.single.time. I strive to be a friend who does the same.

To all the girls in my life who are striving to hold on to relationships that are unhealthy at best: my prayer for you is that you will strive to surround yourself with friends who will stand naked for you in a bathroom. Friends who would not even consider their own embarrassment or insecurities during your deepest time of need.

a dose of perspective

I got my sister's annual Christmas letter in the mail this week and in it she posed the question: "If tomorrow you had only the things you were grateful for today, what would you have?"

If I can keep this at the forefront of my mind, I think it could change my life.
Since the 30 day challenge was a good way for me to stay connected to this blog, I am going to try and check in each day for 30 days and share some of the things (big and little) that I am grateful for.

Day 1:
I am grateful:

for friendships that stand through things we shouldn't have to face alone
(or have to face at all).

for the sign language that Koleson is using to communicate.
Less screaming = Happier Mom.

for dancing in Aunt Brandy's playroom surrounded by children whom I love.

that Kevin helped give me two beautiful and precious children.


Yeah, I choked a little on one of those, but it's important for the perspective :)

Let's Discuss

I am chewing on THIS interesting post.

Any thoughts?

Retribution

...that's the word I use to sum up what happens to parents upon coming home after being away from their children. I mentioned here about finding a new job. I have. I started about 3 weeks ago. I braced myself for the adjustment. (Have I mentioned that Alivia is not a big fan of change?) And I was pleased. The kids seemed to be adjusting pretty well. I am enjoying the family that I work with. Bedtime was more rushed than I liked, but it has really been going fine.

This week, however, is the week of retribution. Apparently week three brought with it the realization that this new schedule is actually going to stick. And, as usual, my children's sleep pattern is the first one to alert me that it is not pleased. Last night I was awakened 4, maybe 5, times. And, during a 7 hour time span, that is -what I like to call- no bueno.

My dear children,
I love you. So very much. And I do want to spend more time with you. But, middle of the night wake up calls never bode well for any of us. You are cranky. Mommy is cranky. And after too many of these in a row, it unleashes an irritable spirit in me unlike any other. I don't like it. And I know you don't either.
Let's all get a good sleep tonight and enjoy some good, quality fun this weekend.
Thanks.
All my love,
Mommy

PS- Thanks for being so fabulously adorable and funny. It more than makes up for the times when I feel like I could collapse.

This Day

It was an emotional one.

A day of failed negotiations.
A day of victory over past strongholds.
A day of upheld boundaries.
A day of great cost.
A day in which I received vacation details that made me smile- a lot.
A day that held news that is consuming my thoughts.
A day that resurfaced much anger.
A day of new life, twice.

What a day!

Happy New Year???

At the beginning of this year, Jennifer posted here about her focus for the year. I sat on it for a while (or 9 months) and I finally feel like I have my focus. Granted, I probably cheated by looking back to help me determine, but nonetheless. This year for me is about trust - Trusting the process. Or rather, trusting the One who leads the process. Taking a step, not knowing where the next step is, or where it will lead me. Trusting that He who leads my steps, gives me the discernment to know which step to take right now. I have spent a lot of time doubting. Doubting that I can trust myself. Doubting that I can trust the part of me that says the Lord is leading me in something. I have doubted the way I have interpreted scripture and then doubted how to apply it to my life. Looking back over 2010, I feel as though I can say for the first time in a long time that I am trusting. Trusting the Lord to lead me and trusting in my ability to use the discernment He provides me with.
I certainly don't make all the right choices all the time, but it is time to give myself some credit. I do make some right decisions some of the time. And I am doing the best job I can. My heart motive is to make the best choices for my family, and even when I blow it, that doesn't mean that I can't ever trust my decision making again.

So my commitment for 2010 is to trust. To trust first, my God and second, my gut.

Transitional

I just read this post over at Mama Sings and it really resonated with me. If you have some time, go check it out.

Thank you to all my labor partners! You have given me just the support I need each time the confusion and panic threatens to set in.

I find it incredible that the Lord allowed me to experience natural childnirth in the midst of my transitional life period.

Thanks for putting it into words, Amanda.

Esther

I started a new bible study last night. We are doing Esther: It's Tough Being a Woman by Beth Moore. I have been wanting to do this study ever since Beth announced that she was writing it. I even thought about doing it through a different church since our church wasn't planning on doing it last year. But, life happens. And I didn't get around to it.

Last night as I sat and listened to the introductory video I marveled at God's timing. You see, had I been listening to her words last year, I am confident I would have been unable to complete this bible study. I would have been sitting on that couch in a puddle. I think I would have melted under the pressure of what I was hearing. Now, do not misunderstand- Beth in no way pressures her participants. It was all me. It is just a picture of where I was emotionally.

And as I have had some time to reflect on God's grace, it has become clear to me that last year was the wrong time to do this study. No matter how good the material, the timing would have made it all wrong for me. Last year I was in a very fragile place. And I didn't really know why. The Spirit was speaking to my soul that some very dangerous things were present. But, I didn't understand it. Nor did I even know that's what was being spoken. I just felt a discontent. I felt insecure and unsure of just about everything. I felt like I was teetering on a ledge while blindfolded. Needless to say, I knew it was time for change. If I only knew what needed to change...

Over the past year, the Lord has been revealing to me, little by little. He has been so gentle and loving in His peeling back. He knows me better than I know myself and He knows the best way and the best time to bring things into focus. I haven't broken. I haven't melted into that afore-mentioned puddle. With each revelation, I gain peace and strength.

I am so excited to see what Esther will teach me over the next 10 weeks. But, more than anything, I am so incredibly grateful to belong to a God who will pursue me exactly as I need to be pursued. A God who loves me so much that He will not allow me to live a life less than He created me to be.

I have a need for the random...

My heart has been heavy. I feel like a light-hearted, random post is in order.

*Many of the children in my life have a great love for the infomercial. It brings a smile to my face each time I think of the great pride with which my nephew told me, "Aunt Dareth, I want to buy you the 'roll and grow' so you can have pretty flowers." Addison is watching one as we speak :)

*The kids and I did a "sleepover" in Koleson's room last week. We had a bed, his crib and a mattress all piled into his room. I think Alivia was the only one who really slept, but it made her so happy, it was totally worth it.

*My girl is really into crafts right now. I can basically throw some school supplies on the table and call it a craft and she is so happy to be crafting with Mommy.

*My backseat was full of children today singing at the top of their lungs. "Jesus, You're so good to me. I won't live for another!" I smiled to myself and prayed, "Let it be so, Lord."

Help me, Jesus, Help, Help Me Jesus...

Just when I think I can not become more angry...then I do.

I have given this anger to the Lord each day. And the next day, another opportunity to do it again rears it's even uglier head. I am getting tired and I feel my resolve slipping.

In an effort to keep my head in the right place...some good reminders.

Exodus 15:7
In the greatness of your majesty you threw down those who opposed you. You unleashed your burning anger; it consumed them like stubble.

Exodus 32:9-10
"I have seen these people," the LORD said to Moses, "and they are a stiff-necked people. 10 Now leave me alone so that my anger may burn against them and that I may destroy them. Then I will make you into a great nation."

Psalm 4:4
In your anger do not sin; when you are on your beds, search your hearts and be silent.

And one I am preparing to memorize this week:
Proverbs 11:17
A kind man benefits himself, but a cruel man brings trouble on himself.

Please pray for me that the Lord will continue to guide my every step and that I will keep my eyes fixed on Him. The enemy will NOT benefit from this difficult time in my life!

Not Guilty

I have been reading a book about Mommy Guilt. I am really loving it. I don't know a mom around who doesn't struggle with it in some capacity. I put a challenge out to our mommies group this week: make a list of the things you do in your mothering that you do not feel guilty for, the things you feel like you have done right (big or small).

Things I do not feel guilty about:
*Keeping my shower a kid-free zone.
*Talking openly and freely with my daughter, even if she touches on a subject that makes me uncomfortable.
*Teaching my daughter the character of Jesus and how we should model that in our own lives.
*Also teaching her that we all need His grace and forgiveness, myself included.
*Leaving the dishes in the sink for one more day.
*Allowing my toddler to eat food off of the living room floor.
*Giving my children a binky.
*Obsessing over my children's health sometimes.
*Demanding life-saving water skills training for our girl.

This is a good start. It feels good to remember that I do get it right sometimes.

My name is Dareth, and I am intolerant.

Our pastor posed a question to the congregation on Sunday. "What do you think most Americans consider to be the worst problem in our country?" Child abuse? The economy? Crime? The environment? The answer according to an article he read: Intolerance. And the group labeled as the most intolerant? The evangelical Christian.

At first hearing this, I felt my feathers ruffle in defense. But, giving it some thought, I do agree. Not only do I agree, but I think it should be that way. Now, stay with me for a minute. I work very hard not to be a Christian who speaks Christianese and looks down my nose at others. I feel strongly, and fight for, allowing others the freedom to live their lives the best way they can without judgement from those who choose to do it differently. But, the fact of the matter is this: There is right and there is wrong. There are absolutes. To stand for what is right and oppose what is wrong does make me intolerant. And my phlegmatic, peacekeeping personality struggles with that.

There have been some situations arise in my life when I have found myself face to face with this very issue. And I have struggled. I vacillate between standing for what is right, opposing what is wrong and not wanting others to be upset with me for taking an opposing stance. Standing for what is right: I can do that. It's the opposition of wrong- when that wrong is being lived out by someone that I love- that's my struggle. I think we are all familiar with the fact that people don't enjoy being told they are wrong. That's where my personality wants to take over. I don't want to make anyone feel bad. I don't want them to be angry and accusing toward me. "Maybe I don't need to say anything. God will convict them, right?" Right. I am not anyone's Holy Spirit and it is not my job to convict them of their sinful choices.

But, the Lord has been using some situations over the past year to show me that when other's sinful choices directly affect me and my children, I must stand against what is wrong and stand firmly for what is right. No matter how uncomfortable it makes me feel. No matter what the consequences are. Because reality is that I can't stand for right if I do not stand against wrong.

Jesus came to this earth for every one of us. He loves each one perfectly. Yet, he is intolerant of sin. His life on this earth is a reminder to me that I can love someone and still oppose the sin in their lives. Thank you Jesus for showing us the Way through your life and your Word.