Back, with tears.

"Momma, will you lay down with me?"
At nearly 11, I am always nervous that this will be the last time she asks.  Even so, I don't always say yes.  Tonight I did, though.  It's been an emotional day for her.

As I was lying there, noticing her long legs and spindly arms taking up much of the bed (she is quite an octopus in her sleep, and in her preparing to sleep), I was struck by how tiny she was a mere 10 and 1/2 years ago.  All those years ago, her sleep/wake schedule was the one I followed.   She and I did everything together.  We lived farther away from our church community, and were alone many of the days, as Chris worked nights and was often sleeping.  I couldn't hold back the tears. When I had that girl, I thought I was ill equipped about 1 week into the parenting gig.  Mercy is what kept our family together.  Mercy and naps.

Here's the thing.  11 is creeping up on us, and I am terrified.  There is more independence, more responsibility and more opportunities for longer lasting consequences coming our way.  I look at my girl and I question myself as a mom.  I am crippled with insecurity.  Because I know my shortcomings.  That list is long.  And ugly.  I don't like that the Lord will use this time to grow me along with growing her.  I want to be grown and complete- an expert so to speak.  He requires what's best though...Truth, and Grace, and Mercy, and Forgiveness. Patience, Faith, Unconditional Love - all of these are evidence of Him.  It's an adventure, wherever we are headed.




 

The seasons are a changing

I hear rumor of this from other parts of the country.  Now, I can't deny that we are seeing signs of Fall as well.  It is just not what you expect to hear when you think "Fall".  Other parts of the country are talking about long sleeves and hot chocolate and colored leaves.  Here on the surface of the sun, we are looking at temps dropping into the 70's overnight and daytime temps dipping just below 100.  I don't want to sound ungrateful, but I am a little jealous.
It seems that as the literal season changes from summer to fall, life has taken on some changes of it's own.  As the summer crops are harvested and begin to die, I sense the same thing happening in life.  Our little family of three has settled into a solid routine over the spring and summer.  Solid routine was a nice change from the constant change of the previous years.  We relished it.  The kids are thriving.  They feel secure and happy and I see fruits of that throughout their lives.  So good for this mama's heart.  I was becoming comfortable.  I feel the undercurrent- change is a'comin.  There has been a new development that has effected the kid's weekly schedule.  Now, this certainly isn't the first time that a grown up in their life has made a similar decision that has impacted them.  But, for some reason, this feels bigger.  I sense the Lord preparing all of us for something different.  Maybe as the literal seasons change, we are about to experience a figurative change of seasons as well.  Some of the summer and fall is begin harvested and some of it has to die.  It has to die to allow new growth in the coming spring.  Please pray for my family as we face what could be a potential winter season.

Now, I don't want to project that things are terrible in these parts.  They really are not.  Life is happy and secure.  Through these changes, I have been able to witness fruits of maturity in my children.  They exhibit a sense of security that hasn't been shaken by every change like it was in the past.  They have a new found confidence in themselves, in the people in their lives, and more importantly, Alivia has found confidence in her God.  I am really proud of them.

Not Guilty

I have been reading a book about Mommy Guilt. I am really loving it. I don't know a mom around who doesn't struggle with it in some capacity. I put a challenge out to our mommies group this week: make a list of the things you do in your mothering that you do not feel guilty for, the things you feel like you have done right (big or small).

Things I do not feel guilty about:
*Keeping my shower a kid-free zone.
*Talking openly and freely with my daughter, even if she touches on a subject that makes me uncomfortable.
*Teaching my daughter the character of Jesus and how we should model that in our own lives.
*Also teaching her that we all need His grace and forgiveness, myself included.
*Leaving the dishes in the sink for one more day.
*Allowing my toddler to eat food off of the living room floor.
*Giving my children a binky.
*Obsessing over my children's health sometimes.
*Demanding life-saving water skills training for our girl.

This is a good start. It feels good to remember that I do get it right sometimes.

Did someone hit the refresh button??

I am on my last day of vacationing with family in Colorado. This trip has been really special to me. It's very low-key and ultra-relational. We just get together and do life. When I make my plans, a week always sounds like a long time to be away from home. But, today it feels like we just got here and it's time to go. We have spent time in family homes, had meals together and of course, eaten at Panera as many times as possible. I love that restaurant and we do not have one on the surface of the sun. We have had girl chats and watched our kids play and most of all, just had time to share about our lives.

I came here at a very needy time. I am feeling a little fragile in some family relationships. It is so refreshing to see my family, my friends, just step in where I need them. They anticipated my needs (read: Panera and some grown up time) and met me right where I am. I never felt as though I had to "act" a certain way. I feel free to help myself, make a mess, clean a mess, and discipline my children. I haven't felt any pressure to be who they want me to be. Just the freedom to be who I am and know that I am loved.

As I sit here typing this, I am listening to the thunder and the rain pouring down. I just finished up some time with the Lord and am enjoying the quiet of a house full of sleeping beauties. I came here needing relaxation and refreshment and I definitely have gotten to experience both.

Thanks for that.

how 'bout some random for a change??

It hasn't gone unnoticed that I seem to post randomly on this blog (hence the name). I wish I had more time to blog. I wish I had more access to the internet. And I wish that each time I sat down to write something here, that I didn't stare at the blank screen. I write imaginary posts in my head all the time when I am out doing life. But, I sit down at the computer and I can't think of much worthwhile to put on "paper".

So, once again, I offer you some random thoughts...

I don't think I can think of many things out there more offensive than a husband who belittles his wife's work as a mom. It really ruffles my feathers in such a way that I want to start throwing punches.

Alivia has discovered the joys of the teeter toter. She calls it the tater tot. It makes me smile every time.

The ENT told me yesterday that Koleson's ears "looked perfect". That is the first time I have ever heard those words uttered about my son. He has had tubes for about 6 weeks now and we haven't had an ear infection in about 2 weeks. Yay!

However, the dr appointments continue for us. He has been referred to a pulmonologist to figure out what's going on with the persistant wheezing, croupy cough and general green slime. I continue to see the endocrynologist and next a neurologist for my weird symptoms (probably stress related). Can I get a shout out for great health insurance?? Woot, woot!

On that note, I was just informed that we may be losing our health insurance over the next couple of months. Awesome. Everyone...to the doctor, stat! And then...no more getting sick, okay??

Alivia and I have figured out a bedtime routine that is actually working for her. I am so excited! It's been 4 1/2 years since I have been sleeping through the night consistently. And I am so ready to try it out again.

My baby is going to celebrate his first birthday in less than a month. I really don't want to talk about it. Thanks for understanding.

Life is the most up in the air that it has ever been. But, I feel more blessed each and every day. Isn't it amazing how trials can give us a perspective that we often can lose sight of during the good times??

Home Safely

Kevin's brother, Scott, passed away on Thursday night. It's such a complicated thing to have to say goodbye to someone you love. It gets even more complicated when that person is experiencing pain and their body is failing them right before your eyes. But, what a precious gift it is to be able to have the time to sit together and have conversations that may have not happened without the illness and impending death. For the past 2 weeks, the family has come close and had lots of time together with him, first at the hospital, and later at the hospice. This time was a special gift that we were able to give to Scott, and, even moreso, he was able to give to each of us.

Some time after his passing, his dad asked if we could gather together as a family in his room and pray. As we circled around his bed and friends and family offered up thier prayers, peace filled that room. After the amens, we noticed that the look on Scott's face had changed. He was smiling. Many commented on it, validating, that I was not, in fact, seeing things. I think Kevin's dad said it best. He said, "I think he is trying to tell us that he made it home safely."

I think he's right. It is a beautiful memory that I will call on often when I need to remember that God is in the details.

Scott, thank you for all that you taught me by the way in which you lived your life. Thank you for challenging me to live my life better, even when I didn't want to hear it. And, thank you for allowing us the opportunity to watch redemption come to fruition in your life. You are greatly missed. Enjoy paradise, my friend.

Much to be thankful for

Over the course of the past 4 months or so, someone in our house has been sick. Sure, we have had a few healthy days here and there, but next thing I know someone is whining, crying, coughing or exhibiting a plethora of other symptoms. Most all of these things have been minor and mostly an inconvience. But, I almost burst into tears at urgent care last night as the dr told me Alivia has an ear infection. We are still fighting her empitigo and a lingering cough from last week. This was about 16 hours after being told by our pediatrician that Koleson has double ear infections (again) and possible rsv. I feel like I am teetering on the edge. Like one more sickness my push me right over.

Simultaneously, Kevin's brother has been battling cancer. This cancer is so ugly and fierce it has ravaged his body in only 2 months time. Watching this friend and brother fight for his life has provided a bit of perspective. He is only 41. And watching these parents, brothers, sisters, friends and children prepare to have to say goodbye to him is heartbreaking. Heartbreaking.

Last night, as I waited at the 24 hour pharmacy, on the verge of tears over all of it, all I kept saying was, "Thank you Jesus." I didn't even realize I was saying it. But, Thank you Jesus. Thank you for my children. Thank you that their health problems are minor and most likely only for a season. Thank you for a family that loves deeply. Thank you for one more day with Kevin's brother. Thank you for friends and family who have stepped in and allowed us to be at the hospital and now at the hospice center as much as we need to be. Thank you Jesus for the redemption that we have seen. And mostly, thank you Lord for being with each one of us every step of the way.

As we celebrate the news of another baby coming into our family and we celebrate the life of a brother as he prepares to go out of this world, the realization comes. Every life deserves a celebration.

Snow Day

We took a day trip up to the snow not too long ago. And we are apparently depriving our children of seasons other than warm and ridiculously hot. Both Addie and Brody loved the snow and would've stayed all day building snowmen, throwing snowballs and eating snow. They were both big fans of that.

It's not very often that our family gets to have family days. We live around Chris' very odd work schedule, so sometimes it's just one of us with the kids. It was great to have our family all together (my sister went, too) playing and making memories.

And also, plotting against Chris to move somewhere with an actual winter!