Back, with tears.

"Momma, will you lay down with me?"
At nearly 11, I am always nervous that this will be the last time she asks.  Even so, I don't always say yes.  Tonight I did, though.  It's been an emotional day for her.

As I was lying there, noticing her long legs and spindly arms taking up much of the bed (she is quite an octopus in her sleep, and in her preparing to sleep), I was struck by how tiny she was a mere 10 and 1/2 years ago.  All those years ago, her sleep/wake schedule was the one I followed.   She and I did everything together.  We lived farther away from our church community, and were alone many of the days, as Chris worked nights and was often sleeping.  I couldn't hold back the tears. When I had that girl, I thought I was ill equipped about 1 week into the parenting gig.  Mercy is what kept our family together.  Mercy and naps.

Here's the thing.  11 is creeping up on us, and I am terrified.  There is more independence, more responsibility and more opportunities for longer lasting consequences coming our way.  I look at my girl and I question myself as a mom.  I am crippled with insecurity.  Because I know my shortcomings.  That list is long.  And ugly.  I don't like that the Lord will use this time to grow me along with growing her.  I want to be grown and complete- an expert so to speak.  He requires what's best though...Truth, and Grace, and Mercy, and Forgiveness. Patience, Faith, Unconditional Love - all of these are evidence of Him.  It's an adventure, wherever we are headed.




 

Provision

Addie needs eye therapy. Basically her brain/muscles need to be trained to do some things that typically develop on their own. Eye therapy is fairly costly, and they recommend you go to therapy 2-3 times a week. We have committed to taking her once a week, and even with that, we aren't sure how the payment is going to be made each week.

A beautiful thing has happened in this circumstance. Chris and I have the opportunity to work the next 4 weekends (this one included), so he will work one of the days, and I will work the other. Today was my turn to work. As I stood there this morning, I suddenly became teary eyed when thinking about God's provision. His timing is always perfect, and He knew before we did what this need would look like. And He created an opportunity. I was overwhelmed by His kindness, by His detailed timing. I stood in gratitude. I squeaked out a thank you.

I know I could stand in this season and focus on the lack. Believe me, I have done that a day or 25. Instead, I am desiring this to be a season of maturing, of strengthening of faith, of growing perseverance. I think I will be most successful in that when I choose to see His provision, His grace, Him.

Happy 8th, Addie Grace

Dear Addie,

Today you are 8. Eight seems so very old, and I am not particularly liking the idea of you being "old." Time seems to be rushing by, and some nights when my head hits the pillow, I wonder if I was present for anything in your day.

Seven was a year of challenges, which means it was also an opportunity for some growth in your life. You faired well, dear girl, but not without some marks from the enemy. My prayer for you is that you will take those wounds to the Cross of Christ and let Him be enough. He is BIG, my daughter, and He alone assigns your value. But let me tell you with confidence, Adds, He is especially fond of you.

Eight brings a new season to your education and our relationship. We are homeschooling you this year. Daddy and I think you will thrive on the one on one learning environment, and to be completely honest, our hearts long to shield your from growing up too fast. I am anxious and excited to see where this next year takes us.

You have turned into our little fish this summer, enjoying swim lessons and practicing the competitive strokes so you can be on the team next year. You love to swim! You also still love to mother anyone who will let you. You are going to make a great babysitter someday. Lately you have been asking for coffee in the mornings, which cracks me up. I am pretty sure I have both you and Brody hooked.

Speaking of your brother, I think he really loves you a lot. He knows you will protect him and laugh with him. He knows that you will forgive him when he has hurt you. Sissy, there is something to be said about your relationship with him. I've always wondered how it would develop, I've been concerned you might resent him. Addie, you love him so purely and so sweetly. You never want him to be in trouble, even when he has done "little brother things" that irritate you. I know you love him deeply, and I know you will ALWAYS look out for him. Mommy cannot tell you how much that makes my heart swell.

Addison, the thing I love most about you is how much you love God and His Word. You chose to stay here over your birthday weekend because you wanted to be at church on your birthday. You love learning your memory verses and you are quick to pray for your friends. Your growing faith is inspirational.

Addison Grace, I love you beyond what your heart can imagine. As you grow into the girl that God has made you to be, my prayer is that your heart will desire the Lord above all else.

"What does the Lord require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God." Micah 6:8

Worry

Addison reverses several letters. Reading is also challenging for her. It causes me much grief. But I should probably share a little back story that helps explain that. I was a VERY GOOD student in school (until I stopped attending). Education came VERY easy to me. Chris was not a good student. Not even a little bit. He will tell you that he probably should have been held back. He still struggles with reading.

Back at the beginning of the school year, I asked her teacher's opinion of Addison's reversals/less than grade level reading. She said that it is probably developmental and that she would get better as the year went on and naturally correct the reversals. I was not satisfied. So I requested comprehensive testing. I wanted to make sure she didn't have dyslexia. I wanted to make sure we were one step ahead of any diagnosis that may come her way. Coincidence after having a autism diagnosis blow your world apart? I think not.

I happened to be volunteering the day that the school psychologist ran his tests. He asked me to step outside with him and immediately commented on her mad skillz. He also said that he saw where my concerns about reversals came from. She transposed cube drawings on her test. I wondered where this would lead...would she fit into some kind of label?

Results day finally came. I was very anxious to know their findings. They reviewed every test she took and her scores on each one. And then they told me she qualified for services...just not the ones I had been concerned about. Addie's test scores qualified her to be a part of the gifted program. I sat laughing with the Lord about what a crazy mom I am! I laughed at the gift He gave me in confirming that each person has their own strengths and weaknesses. I laughed at the fact that I could go home and tell my daughter that I know for a fact that she is capable of following directions with 4 steps!

Worry never allows you to see hope. I'm so grateful to know that now.

Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes?²⁶Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Matt 6:25-26