Back, with tears.

"Momma, will you lay down with me?"
At nearly 11, I am always nervous that this will be the last time she asks.  Even so, I don't always say yes.  Tonight I did, though.  It's been an emotional day for her.

As I was lying there, noticing her long legs and spindly arms taking up much of the bed (she is quite an octopus in her sleep, and in her preparing to sleep), I was struck by how tiny she was a mere 10 and 1/2 years ago.  All those years ago, her sleep/wake schedule was the one I followed.   She and I did everything together.  We lived farther away from our church community, and were alone many of the days, as Chris worked nights and was often sleeping.  I couldn't hold back the tears. When I had that girl, I thought I was ill equipped about 1 week into the parenting gig.  Mercy is what kept our family together.  Mercy and naps.

Here's the thing.  11 is creeping up on us, and I am terrified.  There is more independence, more responsibility and more opportunities for longer lasting consequences coming our way.  I look at my girl and I question myself as a mom.  I am crippled with insecurity.  Because I know my shortcomings.  That list is long.  And ugly.  I don't like that the Lord will use this time to grow me along with growing her.  I want to be grown and complete- an expert so to speak.  He requires what's best though...Truth, and Grace, and Mercy, and Forgiveness. Patience, Faith, Unconditional Love - all of these are evidence of Him.  It's an adventure, wherever we are headed.




 

Get in the Picture

A few months back, Christine posted an article on facebook that talked about picture taking. It resonated with me. Basically the author talked about how sometimes, as women, we prefer to be the picture taker to avoid being in the shot. That we may see ourselves in a picture and decide we don't like what we see. We determine that we won't get in another picture unless we are wearing make up, dressed nicer, lose some weight, gain some weight, etc, etc. We look in the pictures and see all of our flaws. Our loved ones look at the picture and see people that they love. Over the past 5 years, I have lost some significant people in my life. Every time, I wish I had more pictures. Pictures with me and them, pictures documenting more moments of our life together. When a friend passed unexpectedly, about 4 pictures of us surfaced. In every one of those pictures I do not like the way I look. But, I am so thankful that I have them. So, I have decided that when opportunities arise to document a moment or memory with people that I love, I am going to take it. If something tragic were to happen to me, I want the people that I love to have a wealth of pictures and memories. I would want my children to have lots of photos of us together. So, for Christmas I got my parents photo sessions. Knowing that my mom feels a bit like I do about pictures, I explained my reasoning for this gift. We met one afternoon when the kids were a little tired and I hadn't had time to fix my hair the way I wanted and I couldn't find anything to wear. Koleson didn't want to wear any shoes and my girl was ready to pose. So we went in there and smiled and I am so happy we did! When I look at these pictures, I see grandparents who adore their grandchildren. I see parents who sacrifice for me and my children. I see people who have invested, with their time and their hearts.

 I am so glad we got in the pictures!

In what could be, the most random post yet...

So, those girls in the sidebars? That is not us. Well, it was us, but those pics are so outdated, that we don't even look like that any more. I thought it was time for an update. Unfortunately, I don't have a working camera, so I have to choose from a small amount of pics that have been downloaded on this computer. Here we are circa 2012: I would also like it to be noted that I have lost 17 pounds since then. In other news, it is valentines day. This is such a fun day to celebrate with kids. I find it to be the perfect excuse to do some fun things and eat some sweet treats with the little people that I love. Don't forget the trinkety crap, I mean toys, that we buy to celebrate the day. My kids love to find some gifts awaiting their arrival! I am so disappointed that Timmarie and her kids have prior plans on this day- dumb Thursdays! But don't worry, Timm, I will be sure to drop their crap, I mean fabulous gifts, at your house. The bff and her family have been staying with us while they await the purchase of their new home to go through. 7 people living in tight quarters may sound a little dicey, but everyone has adjusted swimmingly. In fact, the kids are loving this arrangement so much, I fear there may be a little devastation when they leave. Koli asks me everyday if they are going to be at our house. And then he cheers and says "They stay my house!" He has also started pushing back when the little guy gets in his biz. Which is actually preferred to the screaming like a girl that he was doing before. Alivia has loved having her big cousin here and the fact that he is a boy helps decrease the drama some. That's a nice change as well. I just love the relationship these kids have. And I am so grateful for this time we have together, even if it gets a little crazy at times. I might just be a candidate for communal living.

The absentee Blogger

The most recent and significant reason I have been absent on the blog is because I have started nursing school.  It is overwhelming and fun and hard and overwhelming.  It's been such an adjustment to shift some house duties to Chris.  It's also been challenging to not be picking up the kids every day.  Apparently, nursing school doesn't really care that I want to see my kids walk out of their schools.

I would show you a picture of me in my FANCY scrubs (sans jewelry) except I haven't even taken the time to get a picture.  I know I will want to remember this time once I recover from the PTSD of it all.  So hopefully soon.  In the meantime, I wanted to jot down some things about the nursing program.

- Block 1 is a potpurri of learning.  Nursing history, feedings and catheter care were all taught the same day. So weird.
- You have to be flexible.  I am glad I was warned about this.  Schedules, clinical sites and lab times all change from moment to moment.  You can't get your feathers ruffled.  Good thing I'm not a type A personality.
- When you decide to go to nursing school at 35, your perspective is different than a 22 year old.  And it should be.
- My study group has decided that Thursdays are going to be our "treat" day.  Which means we go to the cafeteria for lunch.  Yes, this is my new social low.
- I miss my family. I miss my friends.
- I am making new friends.  But friendship history and common interests are powerful things.  When I say,  "Assess the situation.  Gramps is dying." NONE of them knew what I was speaking of.  TERRIBLE. Just TERRIBLE.
- Hold me.

 

support

sup·port [suh-pawrt, -pohrt] verb (used with object) 1.to bear or hold up (a load, mass, structure, part, etc.); serve as a foundation for. 2.to sustain or withstand (weight, pressure, strain, etc.) without giving way; serve as a prop for. 3.to undergo or endure, especially with patience or submission; tolerate. 4.to sustain (a person, the mind, spirits, courage, etc.) under trial or affliction: They supported him throughout his ordeal. 5.to maintain (a person, family, establishment, institution, etc.) by supplying with things necessary to existence; provide for: to support a family.

I have an amazing support system. One that I never take for granted, even if I don't say it enough! I have tried to write about this so many times, but I am so overwhelmed by the support in my life that I don't have words that can adequately express it. I have had seasons in my life where my support system held me up. They took me to the Rock over and over again when it seemed my foundation might crumble. They stood in the gap and interceded when the floods threatened my existence. They have sustained and withstood much pressure on my behalf and that of my children. They have had to tolerate much. Much. There are some who have provided sustenance- food, shelter, encouragement and prayer covering. And I have had countless individuals that have come alongside me to help maintain me as a woman, a mom and a Christian. To say I am blessed with an amazing support system feels like a gross understatement. I could live a thousand years and never feel as though I could express my gratitude. To those of you who walk with me day to day and those of you that have touched my life only once, I say a deep, heartfelt thank you.

Everyone should have goals

I have spent some time going back and reading some of the posts from our old blog and it takes me back to some times in my life where memories get fuzzy sometimes. I am so glad I have some of those things chronicled there. Which then allows me to look at this neglected blog and realize that I would like to put some attention back to it. I want to have a chronicle of this time of my life. I think I stopped posting when life got too raw and I just couldn't be that vulnerable. My life has changed significantly and I would like to be able to journal about it again. I have made many goals for this year. Here are some: *I want to be thoughtful about the things in our life. I need to give thought to each purchase and decide if I really need/want to add another thing. I feel like there is just.too.much.stuff. *I want this to be the year that I create some lifelong health habits. *I want to have a plan for the money in my life. I do not want to just earn and spend anymore. Dave Ramsey- here I come! *And I want to blog more. About real things that are going on in my life. About the things that I think about and that are on my heart. And post more pictures. Happy Monday, friends.

2012 Recap - Random Mom Style

 In true random mom fashion, we have decided to recap the 2012 year...in random order.  Without further ado:
February:  We had a Valentine's Celebration Dinner. Cheers! Please note that the 2 year old had the caffeinated beverage.

 And Chris brought his Valentines some chocolate.

 October: The kids did some pumpkin decorating.  Since it's still a million degrees here in October, it is better to just decorate the outside rather than carving a pumpkin.

May: Koli started preschool!  And Dareth survived with few tears.

 March:  Our church moved locations.  This was our last Sunday in the old building.  Many tears were shed by Dareth this day. All of our children were dedicated to the Lord in this building.

 August: The kids all started a new school year!

And the first school injury was sustained just a few days into the year.

 January:  The first trampoline injury occured. Poor Alivia.

 April:  Koleson and Brody "played" soccer, their first attempt at "organized" sports.  Neither one was a big fan.

June:  We surprised a dear friend with a trip to her dream vacation spot - London!

 We also took a weekend vacay to San Diego - so fun!

 November:  We spent lots of time at the State Fair - riding rides, playing games, petting animals, and eating corn and cucumbers on a stick!

July:  Dareth's children escaped the heat without her.  And Timmarie's family skipped town and headed to the Pacific Northwest. Dareth stayed behind and wept.  

 December: There were Christmas programs...

And visits with cross country friends...

And a cruise in which photographers make you pose with ridiculous props.  So we made the best of it.

September:  We hopped up to Vegas and got to meet Twitch from So You Think You Can Dance.

Why you probably don't want to be my friend

We are "dog-sitting" right now. Which is code for "we are testing out a couple of dogs to see if they will work well with our family."  One of the dogs pooped in the house and tried to eat it.

I promptly texted Dareth to tell her about the incident and that I hope Koleson doesn't do the same thing when he starts potty training next week.


 

All Fired Up

I am not someone who gets wrapped up in political discussions. I have my beliefs and convictions, but I dont feel the need to share them with others. I understand that others do. I even understand that when you believe in something that you may want to convince others that you are right. But what I have seen over the past days is terrible. I have been reading posts that say things such as we are doomed or that people will leave the country due to our president elect. I have even seen things that are much more pointed and directed at people groups. And each of these that I have referred to have been said in the name of Christianity. Now, I will readily admit that I misrepresent Christ at times. So please understand my heart. I am merely making observations and processing through that on this here blog. My intention is not to shame anyone for their comments. With that disclaimer, allow me to process my thoughts. Shaming others for their beliefs is not the same as speaking truth. Bullying others because of a stand on a specific issue is not giving others the opportunity to get to know your Jesus through you. Claiming all "real" Christians must belong to the same political party is polarizing and does not extend the hope that He promises. I dont pretend that my words and beliefs are always presented in a light that is pleasing to Him. I speak in my flesh too often. But my God is on the Throne today just like He was yesterday and He promises to be there tomorrow and for eternity. No matter who is in political office, which propositions passed or did not or which party I align ,yself with. If you will excuse me, I feel convicted to take a look at my own conversations and see them through these same filters.

The seasons are a changing

I hear rumor of this from other parts of the country.  Now, I can't deny that we are seeing signs of Fall as well.  It is just not what you expect to hear when you think "Fall".  Other parts of the country are talking about long sleeves and hot chocolate and colored leaves.  Here on the surface of the sun, we are looking at temps dropping into the 70's overnight and daytime temps dipping just below 100.  I don't want to sound ungrateful, but I am a little jealous.
It seems that as the literal season changes from summer to fall, life has taken on some changes of it's own.  As the summer crops are harvested and begin to die, I sense the same thing happening in life.  Our little family of three has settled into a solid routine over the spring and summer.  Solid routine was a nice change from the constant change of the previous years.  We relished it.  The kids are thriving.  They feel secure and happy and I see fruits of that throughout their lives.  So good for this mama's heart.  I was becoming comfortable.  I feel the undercurrent- change is a'comin.  There has been a new development that has effected the kid's weekly schedule.  Now, this certainly isn't the first time that a grown up in their life has made a similar decision that has impacted them.  But, for some reason, this feels bigger.  I sense the Lord preparing all of us for something different.  Maybe as the literal seasons change, we are about to experience a figurative change of seasons as well.  Some of the summer and fall is begin harvested and some of it has to die.  It has to die to allow new growth in the coming spring.  Please pray for my family as we face what could be a potential winter season.

Now, I don't want to project that things are terrible in these parts.  They really are not.  Life is happy and secure.  Through these changes, I have been able to witness fruits of maturity in my children.  They exhibit a sense of security that hasn't been shaken by every change like it was in the past.  They have a new found confidence in themselves, in the people in their lives, and more importantly, Alivia has found confidence in her God.  I am really proud of them.

Can you hear me now?

The following are things I heard children say this week:

*"Mom, You mean. You mean. And......You mean." -Koleson

*"Mom, Whatchu got?" -Koleson (while pushing on my chest).
"Those are my breasts and please don't touch them.  They are private." -Mom
"Dont touch them? They private?" -Koleson (while continuing to touch)

*"My daddy is old.  His hair is falling out." -Alivia
"Am I old?" - Mom
"Nope.  But my daddy is." -Alivia

(this one makes me a little sad)
*"It was actually cool this morning in the shade." -Addy
"Do you mean it was coolER?  As in, you didn't feel like you were melting." -Dareth
"No, I mean it was actually cool." -Addy
"It was like 98 degrees this morning when you went to school" -Dareth
"Yeah. That is cool." -Addy
true story :-(


*"Can we go to the toy arena?  Cuz I am 9, she is 6, and I am absolutely certain that one of us can get away if someone tries to do anything."  -Gabriel

TEN

Dear Addison,

You are officially out of the single digits.  Which is agonizing for your mama.  How did that happen so fast?  It couldn't have been ten years ago that you were born and your Dad and I looked at you with such love and wondered WHAT IN THE WORLD HAVE WE DONE?!  You, our daughter, multiplied our love in a million different ways and shattered our confidence at least that much, too.  I'm not sure that there were two more ill-equipped people on the planet to parent you.  Or mostly just me - your daddy has been a rock star from the beginning.  You are a reminder that God's grace is sufficient.

This year we watched you walk through tremendous heartache and grief.  Loss after loss, the hurt just kept coming.  In those hard moments, we saw God's victorious hand building your Faith.

We watched you navigate a difficult friendship that turned into bullying. We watched you stand your ground. We saw the freedom standing firm brought you.

I've watched your silliness, your compassion, your mothering heart, your sass and attitude and your drama.  OH THE DRAMA.  I'm buckling up for the next 10 years.

What I'm trying to say is that we are watching you develop character.  We see you growing up and practicing principles of God's Word.  And we are not just watching, Addiecakes.  We are in the trenches with you, covering you with prayer and love and grace and mercy.  We couldn't love you any more or less because of your actions, but watching growth in your life is one of the most amazing treasures of motherhood.

I pray that 10 will be such a sweet year for you.  A year with much joy.  A year of extraordinary.  Because that's who our God is.  He is extraordinary and His plans for you are extraordinary as well.  So if those plans include hard, so be it, because we have seen you do hard things, babygirl.  And He doesn't include hard with no reason.

A few months back when talking to your Uncle Brian, he was commenting on not knowing how to parent a 9 year old girl.  He thought it was because they adopted your cousin only a few months before that.  But then I told him that your dad and I didn't know any more than he did - that this was our first try at parenting a 9 year old girl.  That sums up how I feel about you being 10.  You are our first double digit kid.  And I'm not sure how to mother a 10 year old.  All I'm saying is, go easy on us, ok.  We are AMATEURS.

I love you the morest,
Mom

 

Things We Randomly Discuss

We like to talk. A lot. And about a lot.  Here are some non-deep things we like to discuss:

• The Olympic Trials.  LOVE me some olympics.
• Wanting to roadtrip with the kids. Brandy is OUT. She has no interest in that kind of crazy.  But Dareth and I feel very up to the challenge.
• Our Framily Cruise and a Trip to London (YES, both of these things are in the works, and yes, I did mean to type Framily. That's friends and family.)
• The fact that Addy is about to hit the big 1-0.  No more single digit birthdays. Hold me.
• Our first world problems. And how spoiled we are. (This is a bit deep sometimes)
• Sister Wives. And what does and doesn't appeal to us about the lifestyle.
• Magic Mike, Christian Gray/Grey and our disdain for them. 
• The heat.  It is hot every single day.  And we talk about it every. single. day.  
• Quotes from Big Bang Theory. Namely, "We are all pathetic wosers." 

What are some random things that you talk about with your friends?

 

road trip

We went on a weekend road trip. All of us.

"When we first talked to each other 

I knew we would always be friends.

Our friendship has kept on growing

And I'll be here for you to the end." Rachel Ellis

 At the fair!

 Lots of love.

 Silly mama.

 Laughter.

 Happy.

 Sea World.

 New friends.

 Family time with an ocean breeze.

Watching in wonder.

  My brother's family

Astronauts